Some days I pray and things are pouring out and sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world because I sound like a stupid person :P Sometimes I feel like I got it all down and then there are moments when I know I don't. It's funny to me how the Spirit moves and how often that isn't really an indicator of anything. It's not a signal of how intimate i am with God and it's not and indicator that I've been praying any more or less or reading any more or less or how I feel about anything. The weird thing for me is that God just does what he wants. It's funny when I think about how I'd expect to feel different or act difference as if God's actions are dictated by my decisions as if God were food and if I eat right I'll feel good and if I eat bad then I won't. To some degree it's true but the reality of God being a person and personal is that those actions and reactions are not strict. If I am bad he can still be good to me. If I am good be can choose to let bad happen. The movements of the Spirit and the actions of God are not manipulated by man but they are promised by God and that's where the structure does come into play. It's a function of his will though. He goes where he wants. He speaks through people however he wants (whether mature sounding or stupid sounding) and it's because he is God and infinitely big. Just something I've been realizing and being ok with, which leads me onwards to the next part.
What is your poison? The question that was brought up is this, "What's your porn?". It's a cute question God asked me recently and it made me smile. We've been dealing with real porn but that isn't the issue today. Now I watch something else with eagerness and God is happy to deal with that all the same. The up and down motion is that of market fluctuations and I'm looking at numbers with desire. Maybe it's an asian thing? The question stands though, what's your porn? What do you desire more of and dream of and fill yourself with. I know God is dealing with it and each day I know in my heart that there is a battle at hand (teehee not battle in hand :P) I think people do have to take a look at what they lust for with their eyes and understand what it is that they see and look at and look for even.
I know that money is just a game to me but I don't think it's any less bad for me. It's all about screwing myself :P
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